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More about the plane crash

Austin-American Statesman writer Tara Trower adds to the conversation about talking with your children about Austin’s plane crash.  Read her blog post here. 

Talking with children about Austin’s plane crash tragedy

First & foremost, the best advice I can give you not only applies to this conversation, but many, many other difficult ones:

The most important thing for a parent to do in any difficult conversation is simply to BE & STAY open to communication.  Don’t make the mistake of thinking that you need to give your child a particular piece of information, or say a particular phrase.  Parenting is never accomplished in one moment.  Parenting is all about repeated experiences/events/conversations.  Remember–it’s all about the RELATIONSHIP, and you want to have the kind of relationship where your children know that they can come to you to talk about difficult, awkward, or emotional topics.  So: make this a “talkable moment,” be honest, calm, serious, supportive, loving, and listenlistenlisten. 

That said, I know I’d want some concrete advice, too, so here goes:

Recommendations differ for different ages.  The youngest children may not need any information–if they haven’t been exposed and you’re sure they won’t be, you may very well be able to avoid the topic of this event altogether.  (read footnote #1)

Children typically do better when they hear difficult/emotional information from a trusted source first, so consider bringing the topic up yourself with an older child. They are likely to overhear something somewhere anyway.  It’s important that they be able to get accurate, age-appropriate information from you to help them balance–or correct–what they’ve already heard. 

Your child may not have a strong emotional reaction to the news–it is an abstract concept to many of them.  Instead, they may be curious or confused.  This is normal.   

An older child/teenager may be able to understand the bigger picture and may indeed have an emotional reaction.  Remember that there is a wide range of “normal” emotional responses, including anger, fear, sadness, confusion, and more. 

Younger children sometimes ‘test out’ emotions, by reacting to this sort of information with stronger feeling than you might expect.  This is typically a normal and healthy way for children to learn about emotion.  Use your intuition with regard to whether it’s an ‘experimental’ emotional response or a sign that your child is having (too) hard of a time coping with this or other hidden problems.

It’s absolutely fine to share YOUR feelings with your child, as long as you are doing so (relatively) calmly, with role-modeling or teaching in mind.  In other words, try to talk about your feelings, not demonstrate them. 

Do you have to drive by the building?  If your young child asks you what happened, you can say

“A plane crashed into that building today.” 

With older, or more inquisitive children, you might add in more details, either intially, or as part of the conversation, including phrases like:

  • A man flew a plane into that building. 
  • He did it on purpose.  
  • A man who worked there died, as did the pilot.  Other people were injured.
  • That building has many government workers in it, and the pilot blamed the government for his problems. 
  • It’s normal to feel angry, even very angry sometimes, but it’s not normal to act out feelings like that.  He has hurt many, many people with his choices.

Tune in to what is ‘behind’ your child’s questions.  What sounds like a request for more information may actually be your child’s indirect request for reassurance.  They may need to hear that: they are safe; such acts are actually rare, that planes/buildings/Austin are all safe places for them, and that you will keep them safe. 

Be prepared for questions to come up again later, even much later, and at odd times.  As children develop, so to does their ability to understand the world.  They may “re-process” this information in 6 or 12 or 24+ months, and need to talk about it with you again.  Just be patient and loving and remember to focus on open communication. (footnote #2)

FYI, some of the signs of a child who is having serious problems adjusting can include: persistent somatic complaints, problems sleeping or eating, inability or disinterest in normal/previously enjoyable activites, depression/sadness most of the day more days than not, talk or hints of suicide or worthlessness.  If you see these signs, please consult with a professional right away.

 

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#1.  But.  Please don’t avoid talking about death in general, okay? It’s much easier for children to grasp the concept when they get to learn it abstractly, not while also processing a serious personal loss.

#2.  Also, hold your precious babies close tonight.  I’m doing that, and also sending a little loving light in the direction of the children and grandchildren of (all) the victims and the pilot’s 12 year old daughter, too.

Interview on Livemom.com

Probably more than you’ve ever wanted to know about parent coaching, therapy, magic, and apples & giraffes, too.  Thanks to interviewer Nicole Basham!

Click here to read the interview.

One at a Time

Four year old Max isn’t very good at picking up his toys.  His mom is working on this, but he’s slow and resistant and it really takes 10 times as long when she involves him than when she just does it herself.  But his mom knows that it is worth it, in the long run, to teach him the big lesson, so she perseveres.

Tonight, when he was picking up toys as part of his bedtime routine, she noticed that he was walking back and forth from his bedroom to the laundry closet with One Sock Per Trip.  One sock.  Per trip.  (He’s so four!)  She thought about correcting his method, intending to ask him to carry the remaining things together, but remembered “One at a time.” 

So, instead of interacting with him in a redirective way, she praised him, noticing how he was cleaning up his room independently and steadily.  She smiled at him and thanked him for his work.  He smiled back and continued cleaning. 

In a few weeks, or months, picking up his toys at bedtime will be a more regular occurance for Max, and it won’t require as much supervision and adult involvement.  That will be the right time to raise the bar by asking him to reach that goal in an improved way.  But for now, his mom is supporting his positive behaviors best by focusing on One Primary Goal, and being more tolerant of imperfect ways of getting there.  That’s what is meant by “One at a Time:” reminding us, the parents, to focus on one goal at a time, and to recognize the progress towards that single goal even when it is delivered imperfectly.

 

Taking Children at their Word–part one

Parents of young children often share their concerns with me that their kids say things to them like “I hate you” or “You’re the worst mom in the world,” or even the milder but still related: “I’m not going to do that!”  It’s these “strong statements” that often leave parents feeling guilty or worried or challenged by seeming defiance. 

Here’s the problem–adults mostly* communicate through the spoken word.  Generally, when I tell someone: “I’m not going to do that,” I’m not going to do that thing!  If an adult saw fit to say “I hate you,” they would probably be describing the feelings they had towards the other.  “You’re the worst ____ in the world” would be an evaluative comment that reflected our assessment of their quality!  Therefore, when our children use the spoken word with us, we tend to take their comments literally. 

So this is where I encourage parents to try to look behind the literal meaning of their child’s words.  “I hate you” might be your child’s (imperfect) way of expressing their frustration with the limit you just set.  “You’re the worst mom in the world” could be an expression of their disappointment over not getting something they really wanted. “I’m not going to do that” can just mean “I really, really don’t want to and you’ll have to help me.” 

If you can look behind your child’s strong statements, you’ve already won half the battle, because you won’t react to those strong statements.  (HUGE!!) 

 (stay tuned, because my next post is a followup to this one–where I explain how I encourage parents to ‘take it up a notch’ once they have this down.)

 

* Note:  Okay, actually, honestly– even grownups don’t say what we mean all the time.  We often say “I hate that” when we really mean that it annoys us or we’re tired of it, and “I’m not going to do that means “I’m unlikely to do that unless you sweeten the pot or unless I change my mind or or or…”  etc etc.  But oddly we grownups still take each other at our words–it would behoove us to think about where the other adult (!) is coming from more often, too.  Remember the phrase “It’s not about you”?