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When should we tell the kids that we are getting a divorce?

Once parents are certain that they are separating or getting a divorce, they begin to think through when/what/how they should tell their children.  Regarding WHEN to tell children about a divorce or separation, here are some tips.

A few concrete suggestions:

  • Avoid major holidays and birthdays, etc.
  • Consider the child’s school or extracurricular schedule (major tests or events, etc.)
  • Don’t tell them right before bed/school/playdate.  Plan to have plenty of free, unscheduled time after you tell them in case they need a break or to be alone or whatever reaction they have.  (If they need to be distracted after the conversation, that can be done impromptu.)
  • Think about your own energy level and make sure to schedule this conversation at a time when you aren’t tired or stressed or otherwise taxed.
  • Try to tell them enough in advance that they will continue to see you and your spouse co-parenting and running the house as you always have just a little longer.  The idea is to show the kids that while the marriage is ending, the co-parenting and cooperative, cordial adult relationship is not ending.

But my most important piece of guidance about scheduling this conversation:

There is no “perfect time” for this conversation.  Of course, as a loving parent you are trying to manage every detail in order to minimize their upset feelings, but even with all that they will still have those feelings.  If they are going to feel agony, they will feel agony no matter what day you tell them.  And, you want them to feel 110% permission to feel their feelings about this very big change, so the best thing I can tell you might be to just worry a little less about the scheduling and instead do what you can to be prepared to listen and watch and breathe and love them whenever you do tell them.

Video: How to talk with young children about death

As part of my work with SWParents.org, we produced a video for parents on how to talk to your kids about death.  I also share a few basic tips for understanding and responding to the various ways that children can express grief.  Please take a look if you think this topic might be helpful to you or a loved one.  Non-members can watch up to 10 videos or read 10 articles per month for free.  The link below will take you directly to the video.

See the video here.

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