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Behavior is Communication–Video

The Arc of the Tantrum video has been hugely popular, so I’ve made another one.  This one is on a topic I speak about in various ways all the time: Behavior is Communication.  Click below for 2 minutes and 38 seconds’ worth of coaching on understanding your child’s misbehavior.  (and see directly below for a rudimentary transcript.)

Behavior is Communication, notes from the video:

  • Imagine that your child’s misbehavior is a misguided attempt at fulfilling an unmet need.
  • A few examples of typical unmet needs: power, attention, overwhelm, intense engagement.  (Intense engagement: that extra level of attention children need from us, and they can get it from us in positive or negative ways, ie: “OH! I’m SO proud of you!” versus “WHAT are you DOING!?”)  They want the positive intensity, and of course it’s healthier, but they will settle for the negative because kids desperately need doses of that intensity from their parents.
  • We can learn to translate our kids’ misbehavior—translate what you see them doing, and see if you can identify what the unmet need is that drives that behavior—what’s underneath it, behind it, driving that misbehavior.  This frees you up to respond to the need behind the misbehavior, instead of simply reacting to that behavior.
  • When parents can identify the unmet need, we can (a) help them get their needs met better, and (b) minimize the unwanted behavior without having to resort to control or punishment techniques, which makes the parent-child relationship a little easier, smoother, and better.
  • So that’s that: behavior as communication: learn to translate your child’s behaviors, identify potential unmet needs, and respond to those needs instead of the (symptomatic) behavior.