A reader asks: “How do you deal with a tween or teen that you know is acting badly because of puberty mood-swings? For that matter, how do you even talk to a puberty-crazed teen? They usually don’t make any sense.”
So how do you deal with a puberty-crazed teen? Very, very carefully. ;^) Well, I’m joking there, but it’s a good serious answer, too. Here are some thoughts to keep in mind when thinking about or interacting with your teenager or pre-teen:
- Teenagers do NOT have a fully developed brain yet! I’m specifically talking about the prefrontal cortex, which is the part of the brain that has the best abilities to control impulses, make wise decisions, predict consequences/outcomes, etc. You are NOT dealing with a little adult. They may be big and smart, but their brains simply don’t have the abilities that yours do, yet. Try to remember, then, to be more patient and forgiving of their mistakes and missteps.
- Do more listening than talking. It’s pretty common that we as parents talk too much, anyway. There’s a famous saying about how we have 2 ears and 1 mouth for a reason… Teens are sensitive to criticism and control, so saying 10% less than you usually would will likely make a significant difference to them. You’ll still make your opinions known, of course, but just try to listen more than talk.
- When teens get upset, they need a parent who doesn’t get upset right along with them. The more peaceful you are, the better things are going to turn out.
- Is your teen being rude to you? Consider making your response be less about punishment, and more about how it makes you feel when they are rude. “Honey, it hurts my feelings a little when you roll your eyes when I talk to you.” It’s an honest response, and is supportive of the parent-child relationship.
- Sometimes taking a time-out allows both parent and child to physiologically calm down. Just agree to disagree for a while, if you can, and take a break. Go for a walk, drink a glass of water, call a friend for some empathy and support. Come back to the discussion later, when both of you are more peaceful and see if that doesn’t help things go more smoothly.
- Take care of your body, and try to help your teens take care of theirs. Sleep, sleep, and more sleep, plus healthy nutrition and daily exercise will all go a very long way towards moderating those crazy teen mood swings (and in helping you to deal with them better yourself.)
Finally, remember that the developmental job of a teenager is to gain independence, and the path they take to that independence is often full of mistakes, and executed in a messy way. Try not to get distracted by the missteps, and instead focus on the healthy process of becoming more independent. They won’t be crazy forever. ;^)