Katie Malinski, LCSWDivorce-related resources on this blog
There are several articles, a video, and a webinar on this blog, created specifically to help parents through the divorce process. They are collected below for easy access.
- How to tell the kids
- When to tell the kids
- 7 Things kids want parents to remember
- Book recommendations about divorce for kids
- Book recommendations about divorce for parents
- When parents start dating again
- Divorce & Teens (video)
- Parenting Well Through Divorce Webinar
Please feel free to email me with questions or to set up an appointment for parent coaching around divorce, co-parenting, or however you think I can help.
Note: This was originally published in 2012, but every time I add to this, I repost it with the current date, just to make it a little easier for myself & others to find the post again!
Behavior is Communication–Video
The Arc of the Tantrum video has been hugely popular, so I’ve made another one. This one is on a topic I speak about in various ways all the time: Behavior is Communication. Click below for 2 minutes and 38 seconds’ worth of coaching on understanding your child’s misbehavior. (and see directly below for a rudimentary transcript.)
Behavior is Communication, notes from the video:
- Imagine that your child’s misbehavior is a misguided attempt at fulfilling an unmet need.
- A few examples of typical unmet needs: power, attention, overwhelm, intense engagement. (Intense engagement: that extra level of attention children need from us, and they can get it from us in positive or negative ways, ie: “OH! I’m SO proud of you!” versus “WHAT are you DOING!?”) They want the positive intensity, and of course it’s healthier, but they will settle for the negative because kids desperately need doses of that intensity from their parents.
- We can learn to translate our kids’ misbehavior—translate what you see them doing, and see if you can identify what the unmet need is that drives that behavior—what’s underneath it, behind it, driving that misbehavior. This frees you up to respond to the need behind the misbehavior, instead of simply reacting to that behavior.
- When parents can identify the unmet need, we can (a) help them get their needs met better, and (b) minimize the unwanted behavior without having to resort to control or punishment techniques, which makes the parent-child relationship a little easier, smoother, and better.
- So that’s that: behavior as communication: learn to translate your child’s behaviors, identify potential unmet needs, and respond to those needs instead of the (symptomatic) behavior.
The Arc of the Tantrum–video
This short video–just 3 minutes–is a little experiment in sharing information through video as opposed to written articles/blog posts. I hope you like it! Won’t you tell me what you think?
Feel, Felt, Found
A mom recently shared with me a handy mnemonic that reminds you what to do when your child is having a strong emotional reaction. The process comes from the same philosophies that I follow and teach, but improves upon them by being simple and easy to remember!
We know the most important thing to do when our child is upset is to keep or regain our own peacefulness, but once you’ve done that, how best to respond to your child? The easy-to-remember hint: Feel, felt, found.
“Feel” reminds us to begin by reflecting: say out loud what you see, with empathy and warm, non-verbal body language that tells your child that you see and understand what they are feeling. It might sound like:
• “I can tell that you are feeling upset.”
• “Oh, gosh, I can really see that you are feeling angry about this.”
• “Whew, that really scared you, didn’t it!”
“Felt” represents your opportunity to relate to your child in this emotional and sensitive moment, and to let them know you relate to them and what they are experiencing. The sensation of being ‘felt’ and heard and understood is one of the best feelings there is, so be sure to really be present and connected in this. It might sound like:
• “I have felt the same way.”
• “I feel upset when I can’t have my way sometimes, too!”
• “Once, I had to do that too, and I remember it felt really scary.”
“Found” finally brings the moment that parents so often yearn for–the opportunity to share your experience and wisdom with your child–your chance to teach, to guide, to educate! It might sound like:
• “Can I share what I’ve found that helps me deal with this?” (I love for parents to ask for permission to give advice.)
• “I’ve found that xyz really makes me feel better.”
• “I’ve found that xyz makes the problems seem smaller/happen less frequently.”
An important part of healthy relationships is the sense that the other person respects your subjective experience–responding with ‘feel’ and ‘felt’ in those difficult moments is an effective way to assure that you are doing that for your child. Thanks, smart Mama who shared—this handy, simple, way to remember this is a help for us all!
The kids who need the most love will ask for it in the most unloving ways
I snapped a picture of this quote on the wall at the Magellan International School the other day, and posted it on Facebook. A week or so later, it had been shared by 68 people, and viewed by nearly 7000. Obviously, this quote resonates for many of us.
One of the first things I tell most parents that I work with is that behavior is a communication, and that understanding the message in a child’s behavior is incredibly helpful for changing those behaviors. To put it another way, something is behind or underneath unwanted behavior; triggering or motivating or strengthening it. Those hidden drivers are usually unmet needs of some variety. When parents can identify what those unmet needs are, they typically find that those underlying needs are needs they want to support. In other words: the behaviors are unwanted, but the needs driving those behaviors are understandable!
Children who are acting in unloving ways are likely to themselves be feeling unloved, unwanted, not valuable, incapable, powerless, or hurt. (*) The response those children need isn’t greater control, or bigger punishments, they need understanding, compassion, and support for their growth. LOVE.
How should a parent respond to these ‘unloving’ behaviors? That’s a more complicated topic than this blog post can tackle, but here’s a little basic information. A sustainable and effective response will include: staying calm and compassionate ourselves, not taking obnoxious (or even mean) behaviors personally, plenty of self-care for the parent/caregiver, working to understand the drivers of unwanted behaviors, identifying patterns and triggers, modifying the environment to prevent problem situations and support positive ones, and using circle-back conversations to provide information/support for learning, growing, and healing.
Can you spot the need for love in a child’s unloving behaviors today? Stay tuned for next month’s article, which will share more details about how to do this. (Or contact me!)
(*) And, it’s worth mentioning, physical states are deeply influential: hunger, thirst, tiredness, and overstimulation can all stimulate crummy behavior.
(**) I googled for the origin of this quote. I didn’t really find anything definitive, but one source said that it was the words of a teacher quoted by Russell Barkley (ADHD expert.) Anyway, kudos to that teacher, whoever she may be. :^)
Grief and loss resources on this blog
There are several articles, and one video, on this blog created specifically to help parents whose children are (or may soon be) dealing with grief and loss. They are collected below for easy reading.
- Children and Funerals
- Helping Children Grieve
- Book recs on grief/loss for kids
- Talking with children about tragedies in the news
- Video: Talking with young children about death
Please feel free to contact me with questions or to set up an appointment for parent coaching around grief and loss, or however you think I can help.
Wallow with them!
I love the word wallow. It’s fun to say, plus it reminds me of two totally separate things: self-pity, and pigs in mud. I don’t know that I’ve ever heard the phrase used without one of those two things attached!
Except, I often use the phrase at work in a way that is counter to its usual definition and negative connotation.
Something that we parents don’t generally do often or well is to connect with our children when they are having upset or uncomfortable emotions. Instead, we try to distract or minimize or rationalize or joke or extinguish those emotions. We do it for many different reasons, perhaps because the expression is ill-timed or inappropriate in size, or because their upset is about us and we feel defensive, or because it’s about something we can’t control and we feel helpless. But for whatever reason, we often entirely skip the step where we reflect and validate our children’s emotions. Emotionally healthy parenting requires that we give our children permission to feel their feelings, even tough feelings. Furthermore, our children need to feel connected to us even when they are feeling angry or resentful or worried or freaked out. (*)
So I use the word wallow. I don’t actually want parents to wallow in their children’s emotional states, but because we tend to err on the side of minimizing those emotions, I use a word that guides us towards the other side of the continuum.
When your child is upset or angry or worried, take a deep breath. Mentally remind yourself that you want them to know that they have your permission to feel those feelings. (This will help them internalize, for life, the important lesson that they have a right to their feelings.) Reflect to your child that you see how they are feeling. That can be done simply by saying something like: “wow, I can tell you are really feeling ___ .” Take it a step further (and borrow a page from Imago couples therapists) and validate their feelings: “It makes sense to me that you would feel upset about that. If I were in your position, I’d probably feel the same way.”
And then maybe take another deep breath. Let a little space come in to the room and in to your interaction. This is where the ‘wallowing’ happens. Just stay in that space for a moment: stay in the space of having given your child permission to feel those feelings. Let your child soak that in. Don’t rush too quickly to distract or redirect. Offering a hug, caring eye contact, or a loving touch might feel good to them right now. This all serves to help them feel less agitated, less out of control, less overwhelmed by those feelings, and often has the very appealing effect of reducing the upset. When your child has felt “heard” and even validated, it will be much easier to get them to ‘hear’ you and your perspective.
Important note: saying “I can tell that you feel mad that I am making you unload the dishwasher, and it makes perfect sense to me that you would really rather play than do chores” does NOT mean that my daughter can go back to playing and skip the chore. The limits/requests/expectations remain the same. All that’s different is that I am giving her permission to feel whatever she feels about those expectations. But, it’s an amazing, healthy, effective, loving difference. And, by the way, one of the long term payoffs is a much higher-quality relationship when your child is an adult.
Experiment with it if you are so inclined: see if you can find a place this week to give your child permission to feel their upset, angry, jealous, agitated, or anxious feelings. See what happens and how it feels to both you and your child. Good things can happen!
(*) I can’t find a citation for it, but I was taught once that the Talaris Institute studied this and found that responding in an emotionally responsive/healthy way just 30% of the time is enough to get the benefit. Yay for not needing to be perfect!
How to deal with a puberty-crazed teen
A reader asks: “How do you deal with a tween or teen that you know is acting badly because of puberty mood-swings? For that matter, how do you even talk to a puberty-crazed teen? They usually don’t make any sense.”
So how do you deal with a puberty-crazed teen? Very, very carefully. ;^) Well, I’m joking there, but it’s a good serious answer, too. Here are some thoughts to keep in mind when thinking about or interacting with your teenager or pre-teen:
- Teenagers do NOT have a fully developed brain yet! I’m specifically talking about the prefrontal cortex, which is the part of the brain that has the best abilities to control impulses, make wise decisions, predict consequences/outcomes, etc. You are NOT dealing with a little adult. They may be big and smart, but their brains simply don’t have the abilities that yours do, yet. Try to remember, then, to be more patient and forgiving of their mistakes and missteps.
- Do more listening than talking. It’s pretty common that we as parents talk too much, anyway. There’s a famous saying about how we have 2 ears and 1 mouth for a reason… Teens are sensitive to criticism and control, so saying 10% less than you usually would will likely make a significant difference to them. You’ll still make your opinions known, of course, but just try to listen more than talk.
- When teens get upset, they need a parent who doesn’t get upset right along with them. The more peaceful you are, the better things are going to turn out.
- Is your teen being rude to you? Consider making your response be less about punishment, and more about how it makes you feel when they are rude. “Honey, it hurts my feelings a little when you roll your eyes when I talk to you.” It’s an honest response, and is supportive of the parent-child relationship.
- Sometimes taking a time-out allows both parent and child to physiologically calm down. Just agree to disagree for a while, if you can, and take a break. Go for a walk, drink a glass of water, call a friend for some empathy and support. Come back to the discussion later, when both of you are more peaceful and see if that doesn’t help things go more smoothly.
- Take care of your body, and try to help your teens take care of theirs. Sleep, sleep, and more sleep, plus healthy nutrition and daily exercise will all go a very long way towards moderating those crazy teen mood swings (and in helping you to deal with them better yourself.)
Finally, remember that the developmental job of a teenager is to gain independence, and the path they take to that independence is often full of mistakes, and executed in a messy way. Try not to get distracted by the missteps, and instead focus on the healthy process of becoming more independent. They won’t be crazy forever. ;^)
Talking with your kids about the Connecticut school shooting
This tragedy is so horrible I almost can’t bear it. My heart hurts, and I know yours does, too. And yet, we still have to keep going, because we are our children’s first protector, explainer and comforter. So take a deep breath, send some love to those families, yourself and your kids, and then you can begin to help your child understand.
However, that being said– if you can avoid the conversation, that’s probably your best bet. Young children can’t cognitively or emotionally process this event (it’s challenging for adults, too) so if they don’t already know, perhaps you can protect them from this news. I certainly, strongly recommend turning off the TV tonight. News programs don’t present information in a way that is appropriate for children. If your child already knows what happened, or has some inkling of what happened, you may need to help them understand, process, or put it in to context.
Remember that the most important thing you can do for your kids is to be and stay open to their communication. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that you need to give your child a particular piece of information, or say a particular phrase. Parenting is never accomplished in one moment. Parenting is all about repeated experiences/events/conversations. Remember–it’s all about the RELATIONSHIP, and you want to have the kind of relationship where your children know that they can come to you to talk about difficult, awkward, or emotional topics. So: make this a “talkable moment,” be honest, calm, serious, supportive, loving, and listenlistenlisten.
As far as specific language, you might say something like:
- A man killed children and teachers today in Connecticut.
- He shot them with a gun in their school.
- He also killed himself.
- We don’t know why he did it.
- He might have been mentally ill, which is when your brain doesn’t work properly.
If your child has questions or unspoken fears about his or her own safety at school, it might be helpful to share information about that.
- Your school does things to keep you and your classmates safe. Your school has (locked doors, a buzzer system, metal detectors, etc… whatever is true.)
- Although the idea of someone shooting at school is very scary, it is actually very rare. It seems scary right now because it just happened and because people are talking about it. Your scared feelings will get smaller and smaller as time passes.
And for children who are having a hard time moving past their big feelings about this, you might remind them that there are things we can all do to help manage big feelings, for example:
- Put our attention on parts of our lives that we have happy or secure feelings about—for example make a list of 10 things in our life that we love, 10 things that happened this week that were funny, or 10 people who care about us and help us.
- Older children might be able to look backwards at something that they felt frightened of in the past and be able to compare how their feelings have since changed. This can help them to imagine how today’s feelings might get better with time, too.
- Write a note/draw a picture expressing condolences to be sent to the school or the first responders in the situation.
More information on talking with children about tragedies is also available here, and here.
And then, for yourself, consider limiting your own exposure to this tragedy. Check in tomorrow if you need to, but spend tonight away from a screen, and with your own precious family.
